Movie Pitch
Note to studio executives: Here follows a brief outline of an original screen story. A first draft screenplay is available upon request.
Rob Schneider plays a reckless but insecure Kinko’s employee who is unlucky in love. One night he discovers a magical amulet under a large piece of poster board which allows him to understand what babies are thinking. It also turns him into a cow.
At first, there seem to be only good side effects to being a cow who can read the thoughts of infants. Before too long however, Schneider’s new girlfriend (played by Molly Shannon) begins to suspect something is not right. In a restaurant scene featuring many broken plates and some flatulence, she confronts Cow-Rob and gives him an ultimatum: stop being a cow who can read the thoughts of babies or find a new woman.
Desperate and scared, Schneider seeks wisdom from the homeless man who lives on the roof of Kinko’s (Adam Sandler in a cameo). The homeless man, who encountered the very same amulet while climbing Mount Everest (he used to be a famous mountain climber), tells Cow-Rob he knows what must be done do to break the spell. But he has a heart attack and dies before he can explain further.
Dejected and still a cow, Rob Schneider has one last chance to win his girlfriend back. If he can make it to her flute recital, she will take him back and learn to love his bovine form.
On the way to the recital, Schneider is distracted by the thoughts of an endangered baby on the sidewalk. A limousine (carrying the most famous pop star we can afford) has veered out of control and is about to hit the child. Cow-Schneider leaps forth to save the baby and is hit by the limo. His entrails spill out onto the busy city street, causing passers-by to slip and fall into the horrid goo.
After being ground up by a gruff-but-fatherly butcher (Danny Aeillo), Hamburger-Rob appears at Molly Shannon’s window in the middle of the night. Horrified by the talking pile of meat, Molly throws a bottle of barbecue sauce which breaks open and accidentally marinates it.
The next day Schneider wins the annual New York Meat Marinade Contest and becomes the most famous lump of beef in the city. Scantily clad models and sports celebrities surround him as he is rolled down the street. Life is good, as indicated by a Smashmouth song on the soundtrack.
Two years later, Congealed-Beef-Lump-Rob runs into Molly Shannon at the Academy Awards. She is divorced and has a baby. She begs him to take her back and help her raise her child, but Schneider rejects her, suggesting she is just after his money. Just then Adam Sandler appears, not having died after all. He explains that the amulet’s spell can only be broken by the irony of an elderly woman performing a rap song.
Judi Dench, who is nominated for Best Supporting Actress that year, happens by and offers to rock the mic. Beef-Rob has a choice to make: remain a crusty but famous portion of maggoty ground beef and have all the luxuries he could ever want, or let Dame Judi Dench rap so he can return to his previous life working at Kinko’s and trying to work things out with Molly Shannon.
At that moment, Jack Black or Will Ferrell or Jimmy Fallon or Jamie Foxx or French Stewart or Hal Sparks shows up and eats the lump of meat, not realizing it was actually Rob Schneider. Everyone is shocked and upset, until Adam Sandler announces that all is not lost. There may still be a way! The camera pushes in on Jack Black’s or Will Ferrell’s or Jimmy Fallon’s or Jamie Foxx’s or French Stewart’s or Hal Sparks’ tummy, setting us up perfectly for a sequel.
End credits to feature wacky outtakes, Judi Dench rapping, and the names of the people who worked on the movie.