I have an idea for a mind-blowing sci-fi story about a man who discovers a small Time Hole in his closet. Only a few inches in diameter, it’s not large enough for him to pass through. He determines that it must be a portal to the past, because through it wafts the scent of homemade cornbread. He decides to send a potato through the portal, and does so with much pageantry and fanfare. For two years he wanders the streets, looking for the slightest sign that his interaction with the past has altered history in any way. Alas, not a single detail seems to have changed. Then one day, in a video store, he happens to glance into the bargain bin. There he discovers a worn VHS copy of a feature length movie version of Rob Schneider’s “You like-a da juice?” character from the Greek restaurant sketches on Saturday Night Live in the mid 90’s. “That’s funny,” he thinks, “I don’t remember them making a movie about that character…” Soon after he is fatally run over by a recreational vehicle.

The reader is left to draw his/her own conclusions. It’s called “The Guy Who Stuffed a Potato Through His Time Hole.” All rights reserved.

Note to studio executives: Here follows a brief outline of an original screen story. A first draft screenplay is available upon request.

Rob Schneider plays a reckless but insecure Kinko’s employee who is unlucky in love. One night he discovers a magical amulet under a large piece of poster board which allows him to understand what babies are thinking. It also turns him into a cow.

At first, there seem to be only good side effects to being a cow who can read the thoughts of infants. Before too long however, Schneider’s new girlfriend (played by Molly Shannon) begins to suspect something is not right. In a restaurant scene featuring many broken plates and some flatulence, she confronts Cow-Rob and gives him an ultimatum: stop being a cow who can read the thoughts of babies or find a new woman.

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